Bijuutopia
by Suzymiya
Summary: A series of short stories in which Nick is the Kyuubi, Judy is the Hachibi, and Naruto's just confused.
_Drip._

 _Drip._

 _Drip._

The last thing Naruto saw was… cliff. Rocks. And, more importantly, his esteemed teacher throwing him into a ditch! His eyes were closed, now, and he was on his feet for some strange reason, and everything around his feet felt wet. Then Naruto opened his eyes.

The first thought that flew around Naruto's mind was; 'why am I in a sewer?' Justified, given that he'd just been thrown down a giant hole in the ground. When he came back to Konoha (and he would, he knew he would), he swore that the first thing he'd do would be to give that old man a beatdown. But… where was he? He was in a sewer. So the second thought in his head was; 'why?''

Naruto then looked up and saw… bars. A cage with a paper near the opening, and ornate borders. He took a step forward, and saw a paper with a label on it. 'Seal', it said, but Naruto didn't have any more time to inspect anything else, because there was a rumbling in the sewer. Naruto understood now; this… this was the Kyuubi's seal! This was what was holding everything back! And behind those bars was… was…

"Come on, kid, try not to die every two seconds."

What?

Sandals moved closer and closer to the seal to find… a somewhat human-sized fox looking at him exasperatedly, sitting in the corner of the jail with its back to the wall. It? He? It looked and sounded like a guy to Naruto. More importantly, why was the fox currently licking some sort of popsicle in the shape of a paw?! The fox— The… Kyuubi?— Noticed the genin eyeballing his treat. Even more nonplussed now, the fox took a long lick of the popsicle before speaking. Its— his?— tone was particularly irritated, though not downright furious as Naruto expected the Kyuubi to be.

"I'm not sharing, kid. 'specially not after the stunt you decided to pull."

Somewhere, Naruto regained his grip on reality. "You— what— you're the Kyuubi, aren't you?!" He pointed an accusatory finger at the fox. It had to be, right? But the Kyuubi didn't wear khakis, or a green button-up, or, or… none of this made sense! Naruto just resolved to ignore it. Just get the chakra and go, Uzumaki, just get the chakra and go!

"Well. Technically. I'm only the Nine Tails when I have, well, nine tails, right?" The fox shrugged apathetically before taking another lick at the pawpsicle. "Alternate form. You know about those personally. In any case, my real name's Nick, bijuu extraordinaire. …But that's not why we're here, _right_?" The atmosphere became… heated. Tense. Naruto took a step back. This was the Kyuubi, however weird it was, and boy, did it _show_.

Nick was pissed. Real pissed. He waved the icy treat at Naruto and begun to pace the prison the Yondaime had constructed. "You, my friend, think I'm just some coal in your furnace. So you decide to go have your ninja-shminja adventures, all the while taking stuff that is lawfully mine. Chakra isn't easy to come by in this world, you know!" If you weren't a being literally constucted of chakra, but Nick wasn't one to get into semantics. He had a point to make. "So, yeah. We're here because you, my friend, are selfish, and decided to get yourself almost killed to learn your next _firework_."

Naruto felt like a child getting scolded all over again. And he _never_ felt like that. "I, uh…" Of course, the jinchuuriki tried to steel himself. This was the Kyuubi! It was his to control! And yet… it made good points. _He_ made good points. Despite being a weirdo in business casual, Naruto could kinda follow that thinking. "W-Wait, why do you care?"

"Because if you die, I die, _genius_." Nick all but spat at Naruto. "Mine's only temporary, but it's a hassle to come back and it gets rid of memories. And there are some memories I'd much rather keep." The fox's eyes jolted down, and there was a darkness in his voice, but it was only for a flash. Naruto didn't pick up on it. "So don't do it. I'll let you live, but the moment you become reliant for no good reason is the moment I cut you off."

"I… yeah! Yeah, of course I won't die! And you'll keep your memories, I swear!" The boy affirmed this, loud and clear, recovering from the tense lecture Nick had given him. Considering it all, Naruto had gotten off lucky. The Kyuubi was… well, he was sane! Not all village-destroying and world-dominating as Naruto had thought he was. But Naruto remembered his original purpose in coming here, and went straight to the point. "But… lend me some chakra here? I kinda need it to live."

Nick snorted and tossed Naruto the pawpsicle, folding his arms as the genin caught the dessert. "Knock yourself out, kid. Don't make this a habit, alright? Stay safe." His tone softened. Naruto nodded without a word, staring at the pawpsicle in his hands. It was dripping onto the sewers. Nick curled up into a ball, waving Naruto off with a paw. "Oh, and one more thing; try to find the Hachibi ASAP, got it? Just a request."

Filing that away for 'later', the genin took a bite of the pawpsicle, still somewhat dazed by the absurdity of it all. A second later, he found himself on a giant toad in the real world.

* * *

"Hachoo!"

"Hey, what's up, Hachibi Jude! You gettin' sick? 'cause that'd be real crude!"

"No, I'm fine, Bee, thank you."


End file.
